So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
