got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
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Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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