I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
