Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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