I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
