This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
