he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
