Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
