1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Jerry, you need to find god
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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