I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
