The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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