I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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