Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dicks are not precious.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
