I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
