I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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