No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
