I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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