I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
