I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
