i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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