If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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