I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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