Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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