Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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