when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
