I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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