I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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