I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
