well I can't set my house on fire every night
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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