i just sent this text using only my big toe
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
