Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
