For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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