i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
