Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
