You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
