Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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