I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
