hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
