I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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