I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
