I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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