FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
