I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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