idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
