I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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