Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
