Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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