All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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