hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
