how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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