Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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