Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
