I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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