Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
